Better ways and words for giving “Feedback”

Feedback is immensely helpful for our individual growth and team performance. And yet giving feedback can be a challenge. How can we make it more likely that our feedback will be well received and have a positive outcome?

Being able to give and receive feedback creates a huge opportunity for us, and yet for many people even the term “feedback” is loaded with negativity. Lets see if we can find some better ideas and words to help us with this important skill.

Psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg, creator of Nonviolent Communication (or NVC) proposed that when we communicate, we are really only saying one of two things: “Thank you” or “Please”. In other words we are either expressing gratitude or making a request. How could this idea help us with giving feedback?

Dr Rosenberg role-playing scenarios to demonstrate the application of NVC

“All people ever say is THANK YOU (a celebration of life) and PLEASE (an opportunity to make life more wonderful)” Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD.

Thinking of “positive feedback” as giving thanks and “negative feedback” as a request to behave in a different way, gives feedback new meaning and opens up a new vocabulary. A compassionate request providing an actionable alternative way of being has the potential to be far more valuable to someone than simply pointing out their limitations!

Say Thank You often

Expressing appreciation isn’t difficult. It is just a case of being clear about what it is someone is doing and why this is helpful. Here is one simple way of achieving this:

A commendation from George to Sunil thanking him for his openness

Developing a sense of gratitude is good for us, mentally and even physically. Sharing appreciations publicly not only celebrates our colleagues. It encourages others to do likewise and helps to create an open feedback culture within the team.

Saying Please?

Asking someone to behave differently takes more care, however it needn’t be that difficult either. NVC gives us a more positive way to frame our requests that is more likely to receive a compassionate response from the recipient. Consider the following example expressed in a form inspired by the NVC request:

A recommendation from Jane, suggesting how a teammate could meet her need for equality and respect

Lets examine the request a little more closely by breaking down each part:

I am noticing…

Jane identifies her teammate’s behaviour i.e. interrupting Pauline and Sunil and gives examples of when this occurs e.g. in their planning and design meetings. These observations are expressed in a way that is without judgement or diagnosis, while the examples provide clarity.

Starting with observations of just what the person is saying and doing is important. Often we form an opinion of someone, but when we try to identify the actual behaviours that led us to this diagnosis, they prove elusive. If you find you are struggling to identify the person’s behaviours i.e. just what they are saying and doing, then maybe you need to wait, observe more closely and reevaluate the basis for your request.

The greatest benefit comes from identifying repeated behaviours that are having the most significant and detrimental impact on the individual and or the team.

This makes me feel…

In the example, Jane is feeling frustrated and anxious because her need for respect and equality for others isn’t being met by her teammate’s behaviour. In this situation, by expressing her emotions and her underlying unmet need,  she is more likely to elicit a compassionate response from the recipient. This inventory of feelings shows the full range of emotions that we may experience. Thankfully in professional situations the range is more limited making them easier to identify and express.

The ability to identify and communicate our feelings and emotions is an important life skill. Our feelings point us to the unmet need that is driving them. This knowledge gives us an opportunity to find strategies for getting our needs met that are not in conflict with other people’s strategies for meeting their own needs.

A common misinterpretation is to say something like “This makes me feel… like you do not care about the work“. Note that this isn’t expressing an emotion. It is actually making a judgement about what you think the other person is thinking! If you find yourself doing this, reflect for a moment on the emotions you are feeling, not what you are thinking. This will help you to identify the need that is not being met by the recipient’s behaviours. Just as with feelings, humans have share many needs. Here is an inventory of needs that may help you identify your own in a particular situation.

From now on, it would really help…

Finally, Jane asks her teammate if they would let Pauline and Sunil explain their ideas fully their design meetings. This would meet her need for respect and equality. The request is expressed as something the recipient can actually do, as opposed to asking someone not to do something. This is clearer for the recipient and reduces the possibility that the request will be met with a defensive reaction.


Equipping ourselves with the tools to be able to give feedback is the first step. The form described above is inspired by the NVC process. Another approach similar to NVC, is the Feedback Wrap from Jurgen Appelo’s Management 3.0.

Whichever you prefer, both help us to say the things that need to be said. As long as we say it from the heart, with good intention towards the recipient and the team, we won’t go far wrong.

I’ll leave you with Dr Rosenberg talking at an NVC workshop…

The examples shown above are taken from TeamSense, a fairer way for team members to exchange frequent meaningful feedback.


Performance Management – a new team responsibility

I have a lot of empathy for HR people these days. They have many difficult challenges but it seems only one, blunt instrument with which to tackle them all. The Performance Appraisal is required to provide answers to an array of gnarly questions e.g.

  • How much should people get paid?
  • Who gets promoted and who gets fired?
  • How do we tell people they need to improve?

The trouble is that Performance Appraisals really aren’t very good at determining any of these things. As anyone who has participated in one will know, they are time consuming and happen too infrequently for goals to be meaningful or for people to learn from the feedback they receive.

Other problems are well understood. Feedback is given by only one person who, being human is prone to bias. The feedback flows in one direction only i.e. ‘downwards’ from someone who is in a position of authority. This is hardly conducive to the kind of conversations that might help people to introspect and grow.

Leaving aside personalities and competence, sometimes there isn’t always sufficient trust for people to be candid about their shortcomings with the person who ultimately controls their career. It also creates an enormous challenge for review managers, who often feel uncomfortable with the arrangement and who would appreciate candid feedback themselves.

Finally, Performance Appraisals are especially damaging for Agile teams, where collaboration is highly valued and easily undermined. Some Agilists have even suggested that people refuse to participate in Performance Appraisals altogether. No wonder everyone, including HR, find the whole exercise frustrating and demoralising.

15 years ago, I was attracted to Agile because it empowered people challenge ineffective and wasteful practices. Surely there is a better way? Something that is inclusive, frequent and fairer to all concerned.

360 feedback to the rescue?

These too are heavy, costly and mostly reserved for those considered to have the greatest potential. Subjects are often able to ‘game’ the process by selecting who rates their performance. Finally participants don’t get to see the feedback directly, receiving a filtered version which has been “assessed” by a “superior”.

360 peer reviews feel like a step in the right direction but ultimately suffer from the same problems as regular Performance Appraisals i.e. they are too infrequent, not inclusive and can be gamed. Not much help for an Agile team.

HR meet Agile, Agile this is HR

Thankfully, there is now a growing recognition that the traditional approach to Performance Management (TPM) doesn’t work and overall, does more harm than anything else. TPM enforces hierarchical culture.

Feedback needs to be frequent and meaningful if it is to help people develop

Not surprising then that the drive towards increased business agility has created a movement away from TPM to something that embodies the progressive values of modern organisations, such as respect, autonomy and engagement. That something is called AgileHR and more specifically… Agile Performance Management (APM).

The opportunity

When it comes to pay, we begin by acknowledging the ideas popularised by Dan Pink about motivation. Pay people enough to take the issue of money “off the table” and whatever profit sharing we do is carefully considered to incentivise teams and collaborative working. One example of an alternative reward system is Happy Melly’s Merit Money. There is still lots of work still to be done in this area, but at least it is starting from a better understanding of how people behave.

Next, let’s consider Agile for a moment. Fast feedback through customer collaboration enables teams to be given more autonomy, self-organising around clear customer objectives. In this setting teams are held to account for their performance and develop greater trust with their customers and stakeholders.

The greater transparency and accountability of Agile changes the game. It creates the possibility that teams can now be responsible for their own performance management. The team just needs a practical way to be able to accept this responsibility.

Enabling performance self-management

So how does this happen? A good place to start is by establishing team agreements that give the team ownership of their Performance Management process. This includes the ability to inspect and adapt it to their needs as necessary. They discuss and agree the competencies that are important to them as a team, the cadence of the feedback and the face-to-face interactions they will have at the end of each review cycle.

Assurances need to be provided around confidentiality and anonymity so that people are able to be candid and give meaningful feedback. Team members are also given full control of the feedback they have been given. This enables them to have confidence that no one else can see their feedback without their knowledge and prior agreement.We provide appropriate coaching support to help team members act on the feedback they receive, and also for the team to call for help if it has a problem it cannot resolve.

Enabling the continuous exchange of feedback between everyone in the team creates a lot of feedback, so we need be really smart about how it is gathered.

Simple relative rating by competency is fast and light

The first part is for team members to give competency ratings. Relative rating is light and fast, providing context for the supporting verbal feedback. Because everyone is exchanging ratings, the wisdom of the crowd helps to eliminate individual bias.


Carefully formulated commendations and recommendations recognise great competency behaviours and suggest ways in which people can improve. Capturing this feedback throughout the review period, when behaviours are observed and relevant makes it more meaningful and less onerous.

The grey area shows how the individual rated themselves whilst the grey area shows the median rating from the team

Appropriate visualisations provide a way into face-to-face coaching conversations that develop an individual team member’s competencies and those of the whole team. The nature of these conversations having been agreed by the team up-front.


The traditional approach to Performance Management is ineffective and a poor fit for Agile teams. Sadly, 360 peer reviews aren’t much help either.

An Agile approach to Performance Management is one that is aligned with the principles of respecting people, fast feedback and learning. It would be inclusive, frequent and treat everyone equally. With appropriate support, it is possible to remove the need to have any one person responsible for Performance Management, eliminating a further impediment to team self-organisation.

TeamSense makes the frequent exchange of meaningful feedback between team members viable. Individual and team competencies are made visible and provide a way into conversations that drive improvement. It enables Agile teams to take responsibility for their own Performance Management.

What does your team value?

We all want to be able to do a good job and get paid, but what else is important to us? Is there any value in sharing this with each other? I discovered that talking about this together had a surprising benefit.

A while ago I learned how helpful it can be for teammates to take a little time out to discuss what really matters to them, as individuals and as a team. We all want to be able to do a good job and get paid, but what else is important to us? Is there any value in sharing this with each other? I discovered that talking about this together had a surprising benefit. Recognising common values led to a greater sense of connectedness within the team. Recognising values which were not commonly held, and were causing frustration for some team members, led to greater understanding and empathy. The simple list produced from that discussion became our Team Values and marked the beginning of the team’s journey towards self-awareness and greatly enhanced performance.

Bringing everyone to a common understanding of what a particular competency means is the first step in enabling the continuous exchange of meaningful feedback within the team.

Since then, I have applied this learning to discussing the competencies that matter to the team. To help this discussion I like to use the cards (shown above). Each one has the competency name and a brief description on the front and some example behaviours on the back. Teammates can pass them around, talk about their relevance to the team and ultimately vote or in some other way select the ones they think most important. In addition there should be some blank cards, to allow the team to come up with their own competencies as they wish.

We go on to establish team agreements around the other aspects of our competency feedback process e.g. cadence, conversations and inspection point, however I believe the discussion around competencies is of value in its own right.

You can find out more about establishing team agreements for Performance Management and get the template for the cards here.

Principles and values for Agile performance management

TeamSense enables the frequent exchange of feedback between teammates. But to really understand what it is all about, a good place to start is with its three core values and the principles that flow from them…

TeamSense is a tool enabling the frequent exchange of meaningful feedback between team members. But to really understand what it is all about, a good place to start is with its three core values and the principles that flow from them. Not only are these principles deeply embedded within the tool, they serve to inform how it can be applied in different situations, to drive individual and team improvement.

1. Respect

Fundamentally, respect is treating people as you would like to be treated. People generally like to be treated fairly and equally. They like to be consulted and have the opportunity to express their point of view. With TeamSense, ratings and feedback flow in all directions within the team. No one person is responsible for giving feedback or team performance. Everyone is.

As TeamSense is the team’s tool, establishing how to use it is done through team discussion and agreement. The team determine the competencies that are of value to them, the cadence at which feedback will be exchanged and the conversations that will happen during and at the end of each feedback cycle. This is more respectful than dictating how the tool will be used. It also enables the team members to reciprocate respect by agreeing to be bound by the team’s agreements.

The principle of ownership gives team members full control over their ratings and feedback. Nobody can access this data unless the individual explicitly shares it with them. This prevents the situation where people’s performance feedback is being accessed without their knowledge for purposes other than personal and professional development.

2. Individual Development

Whether we see personal development and growth as a purpose in itself, there is no doubt that a deeper understanding of our behaviours can be of great personal benefit. Professional development enables us to have successful careers, and though this is no guarantee of happiness, it can certainly make life a lot easier.

Taking a moment to recognise that we are all on a journey helps us to see our current state of being in context and to move forwards.

Meaningful feedback is essential for our development and growth. But to be meaningful, it needs to be accurate and from the heart. The closer feedback can be given to the observation that prompted it, the better the learning will be for the recipient. Sometimes however, for meaningful feedback to be given at all, it may have to be anonymous. Similarly, the recipient may only be open to receiving feedback that is given in confidence.

Receiving feedback is one thing, but really learning from it is another. The best aid to this is to discuss it in an informal setting with someone we trust. How this happens forms part of the team agreements mentioned previously and will vary depending on the constraints imposed by an organisation’s culture. Options might include one-to-ones with a Line Manager or some other trusted individual. In more progressive organisations this could be an HR person external to the team. They would act as the team’s feedback moderator, supporting team members in understanding and realising the recommendations they receive. If necessary they can also serve to mediate between team members in conflict.

3. Team Performance

Wanting people to have the opportunity to develop and grow isn’t just a noble goal. It is an important factor in enhancing the performance of the team. Appropriately anonymised charts make the team’s competencies visible in a way that is about the competencies, not the individuals. It raises awareness and provides a way into team discussion about how they can improve.


Unlike traditional approaches to Performance Management, TeamSense is founded on respectful and team centric values and principles. These values are aligned with those of Agile and Lean, making TeamSense a better fit for Agile teams.